Finding Kathryn
by Kyla1
Summary: Kathryn no longer knows who she is. Can Chakotay help her find herself?
1. Lost

Disclaimer: This is most definitely not mine, if it was Chakotay and Kathryn would be married and making babies by now

Disclaimer: This is most definitely not mine, if it was Chakotay and Kathryn would be married and making babies by now! I'm only playing with them, they can have them back when I'm done. 

Feedback: Always needed, I'm a feedback junkie, please feed my habit!

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Finding Kathryn

It must have happened so suddenly, I never really thought about it. I just accepted it in the day to day, I was no longer Kathryn, I was the Captain. There were no tears for the lost woman buried somewhere under the unbreakable armour and incessant protocol. I did not miss the feelings I no longer recognised and I had no longing for the life that would never be mine. 

But I still couldn't fight the nights, the nights where Kathryn would raise her head and cry out 'save me', the nights where she begged to be let back into my life, the life of Captain Janeway. So I filled my nights with work and I was content, I had my ship, I had my crew's loyalty. Hell, I didn't even mind the Doctor's continual nagging, Captain Janeway was the happiest she had ever been.

Even through that, the time when I accepted Captain Janeway and allowed her to take over Kathryn's life. Even though I gave up all thoughts of Kathryn and the life I used to have I still thought that one day I would be able to return to it. I knew that one day in the future I would welcome Kathryn back into my life with open arms and I would be happy. When that time came protocol would be thrown to the wind, friendships re-evaluated and love contemplated. I never thought that one day, Kathryn would be gone.

It started on Bridge, just another normal day where I was perfectly happy to work through my shift without, indeed without even needing, contact with others. 

"Kathryn?" It was Chakotay's voice, that much I registered, however the name, it was unfamiliar to me and I ignored it. Then I heard Chakotay curse softly next to me. "Hell, I'm sorry. It was a slip"

He was talking so quietly, he could have only been talking to me but still nothing registered.

"What?" I finally looked up at his face, he was staring at me, not an unusual occurrence.

"Sorry, it just slipped out, I'll be more careful next time." Chakotay dimpled at me, "I know how much you hate familiarity on bridge."

I could feel the frown fixed on my face.

"What are you talking about?" I stared at him in confusion, he had an emotion on his face that was purely Chakotay, bewilderment, worry and friendship all mixed into one. 

"I said your name." He reminded me gently. I was still confused and I looked away from him.

"My name?" I repeated dumbly, I stared down at my hands clutching the padd in my lap, thoughts whirled through my head, _He said my name? What does that mean? **Kathryn **_

My world suddenly turned on it's head, my lungs had been taken away and replaced by a vacuum. The space where my heart had once been was vacant and the noise of my body working had gone.

"Captain?" _Breathe goddamn you breathe! _"Are you all right?" _I can't breathe! God somebody help me!_

"Fine," I said quickly, my voice didn't shake which surprised me, I stood up as if automatically. "You have the bridge Commander." And then I retreated, I ran away, I left like the coward I am.

Even in my sanctuary I still felt exposed, I felt as if I was naked under the harsh lights that encompassed me. I couldn't sit still, I found myself walking again and again past the view ports, I reduced the lights in the room and stared at the bright stars. I had always admired the stars, they had some inexplicable pull on me that nothing or no-one could rival. Tonight however, they didn't seem as bright or as friendly as they did once upon a time. They looked cold, distanced, they were further away today than they ever had been before, even when I despaired the most. I searched the sky frantically, searching for a familiar twinkling light, but they all stayed out of reach, mocking my attempts to bring them closer. 

The room spun and I was forced to sink to the floor, not even caring that my precious uniform was getting crumpled, barely noticing that someone might come in at any moment. 

Who was I? Why did Kathryn seem so unfamiliar, a ghost from the past? I had lost myself, somewhere in the battle to do what was best for Voyager Kathryn had slipped away and I hadn't even noticed. I let her slip away, I didn't care for the future, for what lied ahead, all I had wanted was the here and now. 

"Kathryn," The name felt unfamiliar on my lips and the sound was quickly swallowed up by the black cloud that was surrounding me. Even my voice sounded harsh and new to my ears. The air was sucked from my lungs and the room spun again, I stared back up at the stars and tried again to reach for them but they were so far away, as the room dipped again I leant forward and was violently sick.

"Computer, increase lights by 25%," The unwelcome light intruded on my personal hell even as the spinning room slowed and eventually stopped. I kept my eyes closed, unwilling to see what I knew was waiting for me but it was not long before a warm and comforting hand was on my back. Still I kept my eyes closed, even as another hand moved under my elbow and raised me up. My legs were wobbly and unwilling to comply with the wishes of the person helping me. The effort of staying upright drained me and I finally allowed myself to crumple, falling against the warmth of the person beside me. Their arms surrounded me and I faintly felt, as if from far away, someone raising me up into the air. A muffled voice was speaking, I tried to reply but I had no more control over my own body. 

Then the lights changed, became brighter and someone else was there, talking incessantly. I faintly felt myself being laid down on an unfamiliar surface. Then I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep. 

When I next awoke everything was still black, I panicked and it took me a few minutes to realise that my eyes were still closed. I would have laughed if I still knew how, unfortunately that was one of the many things that I had been deprived of. I could hear a voice rambling on, I decided to listen to it rather than the confusing thoughts that were running through my head. 

"Tried everything….don't know what is wrong…..try scan…"

I didn't want to leave my comforting darkness but deep within me I knew I had to, as much as I wanted to retreat into myself I couldn't. I finally allowed my eyes to slide open. 

When I turned my head I spotted Voyager's EMH standing with his indignant back to me talking to someone.

"I simply do not understand it!" He huffed, "There is nothing physically wrong with her and certainly no plausible explanation for her to pass out or be sick, she is just so stubborn and hot headed sometimes, it's almost as if she's doing it on purpose, I swear if she wasn't the Captain I would have thrown her out of a nearby airlock."

"You could try but I wouldn't let you." My vocal chords felt unused and rusty and my voice was unmistakably grouchy. The Doctor spun back round to me, the look of surprise on his face almost made up for having to come back to the world of the living. "And if you try and make me give up coffee again it's more likely to be the other way round." I muttered, sitting up and massaging the back of my neck with one hand. The Doctor, after recovering from his initial shock, hurried over to me with his tri-corder, as he scanned and fussed over me I looked back up and met the worried but slightly amused, warm eyes of my best friend. 

"Morning." He said simply, moving over to my bedside as I started to half-heartedly swat the Doctor away. 

"How long was I out?" I asked, yawning and stretching. The dreamless sleep had had a healing effect on my body but not on my mind, it was still as emotionally drained as ever and I hoped the weariness didn't show in my eyes. 

"Only an hour." Chakotay leant over and placed his hand on top of mine as it lay on the bed, "But we were worried."

"Well I just don't know!" The Doctor huffed, his snotty attitude hiding his concern. "How have you been feeling lately Captain."

"Completely fine." I said truthfully.

"Well what caused you to be sick? What made you pass out?"

"I don't know, must have just been a dizzy spell." I made an effort to stay bright, "Listen can we just forget it?"

"Forget it?" The Doctor looked at me cynically. "Listen Captain over the past four years or so you haven't had as much as a cold, I would like to know what caused this. You can't just tell me to forget it." 

"That is exactly what I'm telling you." My attitude wasn't helping and I knew it but with my current state of mind I simply didn't care. 

"Captain we need to know the reasons…"

"Why do we always need reasons?" My anger erupted as if it had been boiling under for days, suddenly I just didn't care anymore, I was lost I had no reason to live all I wanted was to get it over with. "Ok I'll give you reasons! Maybe I just needed to shut down and forget about everything, maybe I just needed to get rid of every damn thing that keeps me awake at nights." I took a deep breath and stared defiantly into the eyes of my shocked EMH, In the silence that followed I took some deep shaky breaths and stood up off of the bed, the Doctor made no move to stop me.

"Kathryn," Suddenly I hated that name, that thing that had started all of this off in me, that had released longings and emotions that I could no longer deal with. I turned round and stared blankly at the only man who dared speak that hated name out loud. Chakotay reached out and brushed a hand across my face, I was shocked when I saw something wet on his palm when he pulled it away, I hadn't realised I was crying, didn't even know I could still cry.

"Captain…please." The Doctor gently took my arm and led me back over to the bed, I lay down without complaint and covered my eyes with one hand, trying to hold back the unwelcome tears. I could no longer control my emotions as I no longer understood them. I heard the Doctor lead Chakotay away from my bedside and they talked in soft voices. 

As I waited I chided myself for doing this now, I wished furtively that they wouldn't read to much into my outburst, I hoped the Doctor would put it down to too much caffeine and too little sleep as he was always in the habit of doing. I lowered my hand and looked across at the two of them, standing deep in conversation. As I watched Chakotay glanced across and met my eyes. I looked away first, I was ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen, what was the big deal anyway? So I forgot my name, it was hardly reason enough to collapse from shock. I could feel the Captain Janeway in me taking completely over again, my tears dried on my face and I sat back up, all emotion banished from my face. They looked back over at me as I swung my legs off the bed and stood up. I met their gaze, defiantly this time.

"Gentlemen, if you've finished discussing my mental health I would really like to get back to work." I was back, the infamous Captain Janeway again, command mask and all. 

"Captain I'm afraid I will not allow you to go back to work for a while yet." The Doctor stood tall, I glared at him. 

"What do you mean? I am physically and mentally fine, I have no need to take a day off."

"Actually Captain." Chakotay was next to get the full force of my glare, he didn't flinch, his angry eyes held my own. "We want you to take more than a day off, we want you to take a few weeks off."

"Commander I refuse to be off duty for two weeks." The anger in my voice was apparent for all to see. 

"But not on Voyager, we want you to leave the ship," The Doctor chimed in again

"Doctor I am not going to leave my ship for two weeks." I didn't know who to be more angry at, the Doctor or myself. 

"I am sorry Captain but you have no choice," The Doctor raised himself up to his full height and tried to look authoritative, "The orders of the Doctor go above the Captain's even if the Doctor is a hologram." He glared at me, "If you refuse to go onto this planet then I will have you locked in your quarters for that time." My mouth dropped open and I seethed with rage. He was right and I knew it, he had the authority to lock me up if he thought I was mentally unstable. I could feel myself flush as I thought of what would happen if the Doctor had to tell everyone that he had locked the Captain up because she was mentally incompetent. He had me trapped, there was no way I could allow him to do that and he knew it, for a moment I felt a wild urge to fly at him and wipe that smug smile off his face, but if I ever wanted to be classed as sane again I would have to control myself.

"Fine," I sounded like a sulky child, "Where and when am I going?"

"We're just coming up to an uninhabited M class planet, we should be able to go down in about five hours." Chakotay's demeanour was calm even as his emotions raced across his face, going to quickly for me to understand. One thing in his sentence caught my attention.

"We?" I raised an eyebrow and stared back at the Doctor.

"Yes Captain, I don't want you to be down there alone so Commander Chakotay has volunteered to go with you."

"Why?" I demanded. "And who's going to look after the ship?"  
"Tuvok will do a good job, and…" The Doctor trailed off guiltily.

"You think I'm going to hurt myself don't you?" I said in disbelief, "You really think I'm going to do something to myself!" My eyes flickered between the two of them, neither one tried to deny it and I could see the guilt written across their faces. I forced out a derisive laugh, it sounded more like a bark. "Well this is just great (!) Mentally unstable and now suicidal what's next!" 

"It's for your own safety," The Doctor began, I silenced him with one hand.

"Save it," I looked back up at Chakotay, I was almost shaking in anger and he could see it, his brown eyes begged me to understand. I didn't allow him to reach me, "I'll meet you at transporter room one in five hours, _commander._" I allowed myself one final hurt/angry look at them both before leaving. 

Five hours later my anger had not dissipated in the least. I liked my anger, I drew it around me as a shield to protect me from all other more human emotions, such as fear, betrayal and hurt. Deep down inside of me I knew the Doctor was probably right, I needed this time away to clear my head but, stubborn woman I was, I would not allow myself to admit to him possibly being right. 

"Ready Captain?" Chakotay's face was stony, from the looks of it he was probably looking forward to this little venture just as much as me. 

"Let's just get it over with." I was equally unenthusiastic. In a matter of minutes we found ourselves on the little un-populated planet. Chakotay wordlessly started making preparations for shelter as I sorted through our belongings, neither of us were willing to admit to the familiarity of our actions.

Two days later the atmosphere still hadn't changed, I avoided speaking to Chakotay unless necessity drove me too it, and he was equally withdrawn. I concentrated on the menial tasks and neglected the very reason I was here, to try and find Kathryn.


	2. Searching

It took another three days for one of us to crack, in the end it was Chakotay, I knew he would eventually, I had seen it in his eyes

It took another three days for one of us to crack, in the end it was Chakotay, I knew he would eventually, I had seen it in his eyes. 

"For gods sake Kathryn!" He suddenly exploded as I ignored his questions for the umpteenth time, "How the hell am I supposed to help you if you won't even meet my eye!" I looked up at him, I could tell that his anger was merely a cover for his true emotions. 

"I'm sorry Chakotay," My voice seemed strange to my own ears, filled with fake emotion, "I know this must be hard on you, stuck out here." 

"Kathryn, I don't care about being stuck out here, all I want is for you to open up to me." I had gradually learnt to accept the unfamiliar and alien name that still seemed so separate from me and I did not react to it. I looked back up and met Chakotay's eyes, I wondered if he could see anything in my eyes or were they just the cool reflective surfaces I imagined them to be. I looked away first, I couldn't cope with his compassion, his love. 

"I'm sorry," This time nothing was fake and I knew it, the regret, the sadness, it was all real. Chakotay watched me for another few minutes in silence, before quietly and sadly moving away. As I made preparations for dinner I felt alien tears slipping down my face for what I had lost and failed to gain.

As I cut and prepared the food I felt an anger coming over me unlike none I had ever felt before. This was not anger at anything but me, I hated myself, hated what I had become. Before I even knew what was happening the knife had flashed through the air and fallen to the ground. My eyes widened in shock and I stared at the deep cut on my wrist, perilously close to my main vein, I closed my eyes and shook with repressed emotions even as the blood slipped down my arm. 

"Kathryn!" The shock and worry in Chakotay's voice just made me shake all the more, I could hear small sobs bursting out of my closed lips. I felt Chakotay lift me up, I didn't even care that he had his arms around me. He took me to my bed and laid me down on it. I opened my eyes and stared up at him as he fumbled through the medical kit. 

"Gods Kathryn what were you doing!" He yelled at me, I could see the anger flashing in his eyes. "Why the hell did you do that? Why did you…" He shook his head in disgust as he found some bandages and pressed them to the wound, stopping the blood flow. 

"I don't know," My voice was weak as I tried to struggle up. "I don't know why I did it." He stared at me with a mixture of horror and disbelief.

"Do you realise what you could have done?" The anger was fading from his voice, "If that cut had been just one more centimetre to the left, shit Kathryn." He sank down next to me on the bed. When he looked back at me I was shocked to see tears swimming in his eyes. It was enough to shatter my defences and send me spiralling over the edge.

"I don't know why I did it," I repeated shakily, I looked back up at him, the tears spilling over from my eyes, "I don't know anything anymore Chakotay, I don't even know who I am anymore." Then my world shattered and collapsed in on itself. My only consistent was the comforting arms around me and the soothing voice in my ear. When everything calmed I pulled away and looked back at Chakotay, his eyes held mine, seeking the answers. I finally let go.

I told him everything, about how, when he said my name, I no longer recognised it. How I'd lost my grip on my own identity. I told him about my emotions that I could no longer control. I was dangerously close to losing my grip again as I told him how I felt like just another part of the ship, not a living breathing human being. I told him things I had never told anyone, things from my cadet days, things that were dangerously personal, that gave him some clues as to what the woman I used to be was like. I told him my doubts, my fears I even told him what scared me most, dying alone.

Two hours later we were lying in each others arms on the bed, both needing the contact with another human body. We had both cried and the after affects were still upon us, the emotional drainage. 

"I'm going to help you Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was still thick with emotion, he turned his face into my hair. "I will help you find yourself." 

I said nothing, there was no need. All I felt was the urge to be close to him, not for sex, just for comfort. I held him tightly to me as I silently cried myself to sleep. 

The next morning was bright and warm. When I woke Chakotay was already gone. I missed him as I lay in my bed, missed the reassuring warmth that surrounded my body. 

I rolled onto my side and looked out of the door of our shelter. I could see a little clearing, set up with blankets and the medicine bundle that reminded me so much of Chakotay. I couldn't see Chakotay anywhere, I sat up and stretched. I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday I must have looked a sight. 

I got up and got dressed and washed, I could hear someone, I assumed it was Chakotay, walking around the place. I pulled on a light blue cotton dress and walked outside, the sun temporarily blinded me and I squinted round, trying to find Chakotay. A hand suddenly grabbed my wrist, making me jump out of my skin, I stifled the cry on my lips. 

"Chakotay don't do that!" I gasped, I stared down at the hand on my wrist, my healed wrist, I noticed, Chakotay must've fixed it while I was asleep.

"Sorry." Chakotay took my other hand in his own and led me over to the blankets spread across the floor. I gently sank down into the blankets, tucking my legs beneath me.

"What is this Chakotay?"

"This is going to help you find yourself." Chakotay sat down next to me, he crossed his legs and indicated to me to do the same. I raised an eyebrow before complying, this was no time to worry about modesty. When I was settled Chakotay reached over and grabbed his medicine bundle before placing it in front of me, then he positioned some cushions behind me. He gently took his hand in my own and stroked it with a feather like touch.

"Kathryn, I want you to close your eyes." His voice was so soft it seemed as if it was just part of the wind, I closed my eyes, soothed by his gentle voice and the caressing sensation on my hand. "Now I want you to let go, let go of your fears, your worries and just concentrate on your breathing, then I want you to imagine a bright light ahead of you." I heard my breathing slow down as my body relaxed, I imagined a bright light, beckoning to me, trying to pull me in. "Don't resist it Kathryn," Chakotay's voice surrounded me, echoing deep within my soul, "Let yourself go." Then I surrendered, I faintly felt my body falling back onto soft cushions, as the light surrounded me and pulled me into it's haven I could still faintly hear Chakotay's voice, fading as I continued my fall. "Go find yourself Kathryn."

Then he was gone and everything fell silent. Then I heard it, a child's voice calling to me. "Kathryn!" I followed the voice through the light and finally stepped out onto an all too familiar place.

It was my bridge, burnt and twisted, my horrified eyes raked over the destruction of my beautiful ship. 

"Kathryn." The child's voice was beckoning me once again, I turned around and saw her. A familiar little girl was standing in front of me, wearing the exact same clothes as I was. Her blonde hair was loose around her shoulders and her freckled face stared solemnly up at me. I knew who it was, I recognised the small face before me but I still had to ask.

"Who are you?"

"Kathryn." The little girl, an exact replicate of myself when I was a child. I stared around at the destroyed bridge in front of me.

"What happened here?" My question was so quiet it barely carried in the still air. 

"It was destroyed," The younger me didn't even spare a glance for the wreckage. "Come." She held out a hand to me, I accepted it without hesitation. 

The little girl led me down Voyager's corridors, as I walked along the corridors transformed from smoking debris to an alive place. As we turned another corner some of my crew materialised in front of us and walked towards us, chatting and laughing. I tried to get their attention but they walked past me as if I wasn't there. I walked through the labyrinth of Voyager's corridors all around me people materialised and disappeared just as quickly. I followed the younger me into the mess hall, she gestured towards one corner of the room.

I followed her arm and my gaze fell on a careworn woman, older than her years. She looked up and I felt a jolt of recognition. It was me, only a few years older than I was now but something had happened to her, her eyes were empty. She stared straight at me and I stared back, I could see nothing in her eyes, no laughter, no joy, just a nothingness that had spread to her soul. She stood stock still in the corner of the room, all the other people mingled together, talking happily, laughing. They paid her no heed. As I watched her she suddenly grimaced and pure pain flashed across her face. She gasped and fell to her knees, clutching at her heart. I watched her pain and spun back to my young guide.

"Why is nobody helping her?" I demanded, looking around at the crew members, they didn't spare her a second glance. 

"She is too distanced, they can't see her pain." The young girl replied calmly, watching as the older Kathryn writhed in pain. I stared in shock and horror, there was a movement behind me and I spun round. I saw Chakotay, he wasn't looking at me he was looking at the older Captain Janeway now rolling around the floor in pain. I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Chakotay to go help the poor woman. He didn't move, I saw a flash of pity cross his face, then he turned and walked away. 

"Chakotay!" I called to him but he didn't react, I ran after him and tried to put my hand on his arm, planning to drag him back to the older me, willing for him to care. I couldn't touch him, my hand just fell back to my side and Chakotay carried on walking. "Come back!" I called desperately, "Chakotay!" Then the scene faded away.

I spun back round to the little girl regarding me solemnly.

"Why did you show me that?" I demanded, automatically shifting to Captain position, "Is that what's going to happen?" I felt a flash of fear. The younger me simply stared at me, her bright blue eyes flashing in the semi-light. 

"I merely showed you what could happen, it is possible to change the future, but only if the heart is willing." The girl's eyes burned through me, "Where do you want to go?" 

"I want to find Kathryn, I want to find my home." I answered automatically. The girl just carried on staring and walked up to me. She lifted one splayed hand and placed it over my heart.

"Kathryn is in here," Her voice seemed to surround me, "You have just got to free her." She vanished and I suddenly realised that I was standing outside my quarters. I blinked in confusion and looked around, my quarters seemed to beckon to me and I walked up to them. Just as I reached them the door slid open and a figure stared out at me, hidden in the darkness. A hand reached for me and pulled me forwards, as I stared light fell across the face. 


	3. Found

"Kathryn

"Kathryn? Kathryn!" I was struggling in the warm grip that held me, "Kathryn come back, wake up!" My eyes flew open and I jerked upright but a pair of strong arms still held me down. 

"Shh, Kathryn it's all right, it's me." I gasped and tried to focus on my surroundings. As my frantically beating heart stilled I looked around. I was still lying on the pillows and blankets. I stared up at the person who was restraining me, Chakotay stared back down at me his eyes only inches away from my own. His closeness disturbed me and I pulled away, quickly standing up.

"Kathryn are you all right? What did you see?" Chakotay looked at me, worry marring his features. I opened my mouth to say something but as the previous events flooded back into my head I couldn't find any words to say. I stared at him for a minute, then, for no reason, I turned and started running.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay's shout echoed after me but I paid it no heed. I ran through the undergrowth, barely noticing that I wasn't wearing any shoes. The branches reached out and tore my dress, my hair whipped about my face but I carried on running. 

I ran as if my life depended on it, I ran until my lungs burned and my legs screamed in agony. I ran to escape the thoughts buzzing through my head, never-ending in their torment on my psyche. Eventually I had to stop before I collapsed, I hid behind some dense undergrowth and tried to quench the fire in my lungs. As I lay low I heard some footsteps.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay stumbled into view he looked worried as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Voyager to Commander Chakotay, have you found her yet?" As I stared the Doctor's familiar voice echoed round the clearing. I almost jolted upright in shock, I had been told that we had no communication down here. Chakotay reached up and I saw him tap a comm. badge.

"Not yet Doctor, I don't know where she's gone." I felt a flash of anger rip through me but it was doused down when I saw the look on Chakotay's face. 

"Do you want me to send down a security detail?" My lips unthinkingly supplied the answer in a silent 'No!'

"No don't," Chakotay supplied the answer for me, "I don't want to frighten her and make her do something."

"Commander?"

"Last night she…well she cut herself with a knife, a quite deep cut close to the main artery."

"Why wasn't I informed?"

"Because after she cut herself she started to open up to me and I didn't want to jeopardise that, the fact is she is capable of harming herself and I don't want to startle her."

"Do you really think she would do something?"  
"I honestly don't know, I…I really hope not." Chakotay turned and looked almost straight at me, I tried to stay silent, I really didn't need him bothering me at the moment. As he carried on talking I quietly slipped away. 

My head was spinning as I walked through the dense foliage, filled with questions I had no hope of answering. My loyalties were being questioned for the first time, my strength broken down and re-evaluated. I lost count of how long I'd been walking, I didn't really care anymore, even if the Doctor did send out security after me, I just didn't care.

My feet carried me to a lake I had not noticed before. It was deep blue and inviting, with a second thought I stripped until I was wearing nothing and waded into the water. The coldness of it took my breath away and I gasped, trailing my hands in the freshness of it. I slowly waded out to above my waist before taking a deep breath and plunging head first into the water. After my initial shock the water went from freezing to a refreshingly cool temperature. I swam for a long time, hoping that my troubles would drift over me much in the same way as the water was. After a while I simply stopped and rolled over onto my back, floating still.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sink down into the cool water. It grew colder further down, I welcomed it, it numbed my brain and stopped my thoughts. I still couldn't get the scenes of what happened out of my head, the little girl, the destruction of Voyager, me being ignored and the person in my quarters. I barely even noticed that my lungs were starting to scream out for air and my vision was impeded by a grey cloud. I closed my eyes as I started to drift, I was floating away…

I was yanked painfully back to reality as I was pulled roughly out of the water. As soon as I hit the air I started choking , my oxygen starved lungs screaming in agony. I was carried to the bank, as I went along I started to regain my dignity and I struggled against the grip that held me but it didn't relent until we got up onto the bank. I was laid on the grass, I screwed my eyes up against the sun and squinted at my rescuer. Chakotay was still fully dressed, his sodden clothes hanging off him.

"Chakotay what were you doing?" I spluttered, trying to sit up despite my throbbing head. "I was just taking a swim, can't I even do that without you thinking I'm going to kill myself?" Chakotay just glared at me.

"Kathryn I was watching you, you were under that water for far to long for a normal swim."

"I just needed to think." I replied sullenly, I shivered as a breeze hit my skin. Glaring at Chakotay I reached for my clothes and pulled them back on, Chakotay averted his gaze until I was done.

"Kathryn please, you say you need to think well let me help you, maybe everything will seem clearer." Chakotay looked back at me with imploring eyes, I felt a sudden urge to throw myself into his arms.

"No Chakotay you can't help me, no-one can, I have to do this by myself."

"Well how can we trust you to go through this alone if you keep…hurting yourself?"

"You have to trust me," I felt a sudden weariness come over me and I sank to the ground. Chakotay came to my side and made to wrap his arms around me but stopped when he realised how wet he was.

"Kathryn please talk to me, tell me what you saw in your vision."

"Look Chakotay, the reason I'm confused is, well," I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, "I was trying to find myself and instead…I found you." As I said it I remembered it all clearly. The way Chakotay had reached for my hand and brought me into my quarters, the way his lips had felt on mine. I remembered how, when he said my name, I had recognised it and I felt Kathryn returning. I remembered the way we had healed the destroyed Voyager until it was perfect again. But then I had pulled away and I had run, I had run from myself, from Chakotay, from the healed Voyager and I was left alone again. I felt tears starting to slip down my face. Chakotay was staring at me in shock then he reached out for me.  
"Kathryn.." I pulled away from his grasp and stood up.

"Look Chakotay, I really just need to think right now, I…I don't know what to do." 

"Ok," Chakotay sighed before standing up next to me, "Well do you want something? Some shoes at least." I glanced down at my feet, noticing as if for the first time that they were torn and bleeding. I didn't reply. "Look I'm going to get you some things ok? Sleeping things etc." Chakotay waited for an answer, I just nodded dumbly. He sent me one last worried look before turning and walking away, I watched him go before walking off in the opposite direction, I was long gone by the time he returned. 

I walked for hours through the forest. Dark gradually spread until I almost couldn't see where I was going.

I thought and I cried as I walked, in one never-ending cycle. Why did I run? I was presented with everything, my life back again, the man I loved, Voyager healed and happy. Yet still I ran, I ran away from all of it. There was only really one answer, I was scared. I was so scared of letting all of that in because I didn't know what would happen. I'd faced Borg, Kazon, hell I'd even faced a half klingon on her period, I knew all about tough times. Yet happiness scared me in a way no other terror could. I was so worried about being hurt, when I faced other terrors I knew what to expect and I could face it with my armour on. In order to accept happiness I had to remove my armour, my mask. That scared me more than I would ever admit. If I was hurt again, the way I was with Mark and Justin then I don't know if I could stand it. I'd never really got over what happened with Justin, I realised. That was why, after it had happened, I went for Mark, safe dependable Mark. I'd felt a love for Mark yes but not the kind of love that would break my heart if anything happened. Yet it still hurt, knowing that I was alone again, I had no-one to return home to. 

I was afraid of my love for Chakotay. I loved him as much as I had loved Justin if not more. How could I live if something happened to him as well? I had to send people into dangerous situations sometimes daily. It had hurt so much when Justin died, how would I feel if I knew I had caused it? That would kill me. 

Then there was Voyager, hell, I knew that they would be happy for me and Chakotay, they'd probably encourage it. But what if they grew resentful of our relationship? What if they thought I was giving him special treatment or something and mutinied? I knew they probably would never do that but the what ifs still buzzed round my head. 

But, what about me? What about Kathryn? I would die if I carried on like this, that was what my vision told me. I would distance myself so much and I would be so alone that one day it would just end. I couldn't cope with my crews sympathy, I wanted their respect yes, but not their sympathy. I was so lonely, I wanted more than everything to know Chakotay's love, to know what it would feel like to come home to him every night and feel his arms around me. 

So this was it, it was Kathryn vs. Captain Janeway. I had known for a long time that it would end up like this but not so soon. I knew that the decision I made tonight would affect the rest of my time on Voyager, if not the rest of my life. Do I think of the crew, or myself. Do I go with happiness but the possible danger of being hurt again, or do I go with dependable safe loneliness. I had never backed down from a challenge before but if this challenge went wrong then I would be so hurt, I didn't know I would be able to recover. I wonder what my crew would say if they knew just how weak I was, I could stand up to any unknown danger but stripped of my armour, I was a coward. So there it was.

Kathryn

Or Captain Janeway

My footsteps crackled in the dry leaves, I could see a glow from the fire in front of me. I took a deep breath before pushing my way through the trees. Chakotay was half sitting, half lying by the fire, it's glow fell across his face. As I approached him he looked up at me and sat up sharply, I could see he wanted to get up and put his arms around me but he stopped himself. I knelt by the fire, tucking my bruised and battered feet under me. 

"Well?" Chakotay finally asked the question written on his face. I looked up at his face, in the firelight he looked mysterious but soft. 

"Well I've been thinking, a lot." I began, I sighed. "I'm sorry Chakotay."

"I see," Any hope in Chakotay's face died away.

"No let me finish." I held up a hand, effectively silencing him. "I'm sorry that I didn't see what was right in front of me all the time. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to my own heart a long time ago." Chakotay stared at me, as if unsure what to expect. I stared down at my hands, clasping and unclasping in my lap. "The fact is Chakotay, as much as I try to hide behind protocol I now know where I belong, and it's in your arms." I took a shaky breath as tears started pricking my eyes, I still didn't dare look at Chakotay, "I've been so scared of being hurt that I pushed you away but, I don't think I can live anymore without you. I love you." I finally dared look at him, he was staring at me, I couldn't read what was going across his face. "Kathryn's here Chakotay, if you'll have her." The tears started to slip down my face. 

Chakotay stood up and walked over to me, he knelt down beside me, I stared back down at the ground. 

"Kathryn look at me," His soft voice soothed me, he reached out and took my hands, intertwining my fingers with his. I looked up at him, the love on his face took my breath away. "Kathryn I love you, I always have and I always will." He paused and I could see tears glistening on his face. "But I couldn't deal with losing you back to the ship, I want you to stay Kathryn, if I let myself love you the way I've always wanted you I can never go back to the way things were. I can never just see you as Captain Janeway." 

"I know." My voice was quiet, I looked back up at him. "Chakotay I can't tell you that Voyager and her crew won't be an issue because it will, but I can promise you that I will love you with all my heart and soul and Kathryn will be here, whenever you want." There was a long silence, I could almost see the thoughts as they went through Chakotay's head. I began to feel my first doubts, after the way I had acted what reason did Chakotay have to trust me or to love me. I began to feel like an idiot and I took my hands out of Chakotay's before standing up and turning my back towards him. 

I heard him get up behind me, tears were running freely down my face. Then his comforting hands were on my shoulders and he turned me round to face him. I looked at his face, the firelight highlighted all his features, his gorgeous brown eyes, the tattoo that was so Chakotay. I could see the tear tracks lining his face. He took a hand off my shoulder and gently wiped the tears from my face. Then he bent forwards and brushed his lips against mine.

"Kathryn." His whisper filled my soul until it was singing with joy. Kathryn was my name, that's who I was, I had finally found myself.

"Chakotay." One of my hands snaked around his neck and pulled his lips back down to mine. 

I never did know what finally pushed me to allow Chakotay into my life, but I knew one thing, Kathryn was back to stay. Myself and Chakotay married six months later, then our first and only child was born a month after we got back to Earth. I'll never forget the reaction of Star Fleet when their hot headed protocol obsessed Captain arrived home heavily pregnant with her first officers baby. I had even given up coffee, much to the surprise of Admiral Paris who had sworn he would never see the day. I was never Captain Janeway again after that, occasionally I did miss my armour but it was still good to cast it off. I was made an Admiral, which, despite the hard work, was never as fulfilling as my years on Voyager. Now as I sit here rocking in the sun, watching my two grandchildren playing with the dog I know that I am truly happy. Chakotay is dozing by my side, I reach out and trace the tattoo that is engraved on my memory, even if I forgot my own name I would never forget that tattoo. It is our twenty fifth wedding anniversary tomorrow, Chakotay keeps teasing me about the gift he's bought me but I don't care about any gifts. The only thing I need now is to have him beside me for the rest of my days. As he always has been.

Fin 


End file.
